Life Saver

I fell in love once. That head over heels, nothing can stop the world, higher than a kite feeling. Against all odds. Fully aware from the beginning this had no where to go. I’ve known the guy, not looking at him any kind of way. And one the day I woke up with the veil lifted off my heart, being in looooove. Knowing the reality of everything. Not just all the circumstances, moreover the reality of his being. What possessed me? Overnight he turned into this glow in the dark, holding the wand of magic tricks over me kind of guy. I’ve had my share of relationships. The ones where you realize that this is not the right person for you. You kind of measure each other up. Giving some credit to each other but mainly more the unwillingness to concede to your own short-comings. Those little glimpses you get of yourself that you rather not deal with. Why should you be the one to change? He/she just doesn’t get it. That’s just the way I am. Take it or leave. Get it? I never felt I was someone that couldn’t see all the lies I was feeding myself. Being the fair one, the independent one, the giving one, the we need to talk about this one. Yet here I was. Stuck on facing myself at last. No more U-turns. No more detours. Facing the abysmal tunnel to get through. And that guy was unrelenting. Not giving an inch. No persuading him. No manipulating. No more pretending. I wished I could tell you how I got through. Grief- stricken. Getting up every day into this madhouse of confusion. Roller coasting through every possible human emotion. In the beginning it was him I was clutching onto, painfully, unable to let it go. But something just drove me to ride it out. As I was making progress in facing myself everyday. Everyday. This is you. This is your life you created. I realized all the garbage I was hanging onto. Stuff that hadn’t gotten me anywhere but in the hot mess I felt I was in. And then it happened. The big surrender. On its own. I didn’t have to do anything. No more running, no more doggie pedaling to keep my head above water. No more costumes to put on to make it through the day. The most heart-breaking love affair turned into my life saver.