Presence..or the lack thereof

I have been divorced for quite a while. Separated even longer. Due to circumstances involving our children we have made the conscious decision to remain in each others lives pretty much on a daily basis. Like anything else it took major adjustments and growing (up) to be able to treat each other with the respect we both are worthy of. He has done things that I know for a fact the average person would not be able to do. It takes humility, the love of humanity and love period to do some of the things he is willing to do. I’m not even so sure if I have it in me myself. So of course I have been asked the question a hundred times over: “Why aren’t you guys together?” My answer finally ended up being a simple that we do well as friends, but not beyond that. The ingrained behavioral patterns are not that easy to release. And as I have been working on myself for the last 3 years, I still encounter the occasional falling into reactive behavior mode,that auto drive. More so when I’m tired. Anyways, it finally dawned on me today. Out of the blue. Long time after I stopped trying to figure it out myself. Why I choose not to be in relationship with him. It’s his lack of presence when he is in my physical space. Being present is really one of the hardest things to do. Period. I had to become aware of it myself. It took a long time for me to realize that I myself have not been present a lot of times. And I sure do still have my moments where I use my customary escape mechanisms to make it through. Now that I know what it feels like within myself to be present, and now that I know what it feels like to be in the physical space of people who are present WITH me, I don’t want anything else.