Grace

I became suicidal. There finally came that point in my Life, where I had no idea how to go on. I was in a job that didn’t bring me anything but a steady income. I was in a relationship that wasn’t a relationship. On any level. And then there was me. Not liking myself for who I had become. Finally receiving the full fall out of how Life responded to me.

How could this happen?

I immigrated to another country. Worked hard to get an education. Doing everything to be successful. On top of that, there is a history of suicides in my family. Both my father and my paternal grandfather committed suicide. Everything I did to avoid following those footsteps, and here it was. Staring at me like the abyss I was falling into. What made it even more ridiculous to me was that in my many years working in the emergency room, the mothers who presented with suicidal ideations and suicidal attempts, were the ones I struggled to have compassion for. I couldn’t comprehend how anything could overrule your obligations as a mother.

Yet here I was, a mother myself. Not knowing which way was out for me.

I didn’t have any answers. All I remember was going through the motions of the day rather robotically. Laying down at night deader than I will be when I cross over to the other side. There were nights I couldn’t feel my heartbeat. Sounds odd, I know, but that was exactly how it felt. Breathing was painful. Not in the shortness of breath kind of way you get when you are sick. No. Taking in each Breath of Life hurt me down to my Spirit. I utterly lost my Joie de Vivre. My exuberant enjoyment of life that was laid in my cradle.

I still don’t have answers. For me it was having to make the choice between running or staying. Running was not an option. Given everything that was my Life, given everything that is my Life. I did not come here to continue the same old patterns. So each day became a conscious effort to fall back in love with Life. And fall in love with myself.

So here I am. Deeply grateful for the Grace bestowed upon me to be alive.

Poetry by Heike K https://www.facebook.com/Heimweh-Fernweh-Sehnsucht-6867101…/

photo credit Jacob Nordby https://www.facebook.com/author.jacobnordby/