If I knew then

If I knew then, what I know now, I would have made more effort to keep peace within THE house.

My first pregnancy was my first change of direction in life. I don't mean the obvious "I'm having a baby, my whole life will change". No, the whole circumstance of the direction my life was going to take with the arrival of this new life into my life. What I was going to make of myself to make this a better place to be for her to come into. I don't even mean from a financial standpoint, which cannot be simply brushed aside either, but much more the spiritual and psychological development of this new life and providing her with tools to make her stance, that were never given to me. So I had a lot of fretting on my mind to deal with all the transitioning. This child of mine has had to learn to leave worries behind and allow things to take their course, the way they were placed there to come into our life.

The second pregnancy, I felt accomplished. Pretty sure of myself. Having achieved those goals I had planned with my first pregnancy and still going full force about building on them even more. I worked 40 plus hours a week and completed the final year of my bachelor's degree. But I didn't feel overwhelmed. I was actually thriving and blossoming. This child, out of all my children has the sweetest disposition. Tolerant of so many things that I am always awed by him.

The third pregnancy was another major transitioning stage in my life. Already knowing well within me what direction I would take, without having any clue as to how to accomplish it. The seed was planted. In me and in him. To bring to life the purpose of our reasons of being. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I had long talks with myself to come to the acceptance of allowing it to come to fruition. Yes, coming to terms with accepting one more new life into mine, instead of choosing other options. And finally beginning to make a conscious effort to be appreciative of everything that was given. I worked two jobs, driving 10 hours between the state I worked in and the state I planned on living . To remain an active part in my other children’s life, who had already relocated to that state. Determined not to falter and fall back into old patterns of self-destruction. This child of mine arrived looking like my father, who crossed over long ago. Haunted Soul of lifetimes, haunting me all my life. This child of mine has the Spirit of resilience and resistance. Feisty, cheeky and bold, he is soaking up every minute of being alive from the time he gets up to the time he goes to sleep.

So if I had known then what I know now, I would have made a more conscious effort to infuse the peace and knowing that life and love is what they themselves are. Making use of that initial physical connection in my womb that is ever so more than just physical. Acknowledging their arrival into the physical realm via the portal of my womb with a deeper appreciation of the miracle of life and sending them the message that there is nothing more that needs to be done but to embrace life the way it was gifted to them.