To Infinity and beyond

I broke. It’s been not quite 4 years since I completely shattered. But the fatal crack was 4 years ago. Of course I have managed to accumulated lots of cracks before the fatal one. Hairline fractures and fissures, running their course through the entry point of my heart to the bottom of my well. My soul. But each one I seemed to patch up or ignore. Brushing it off. Leaving the scab right there. Knowing if I were to touch it, even in the slightest, the scab would fall off and I would have to look the great wounding eye to eye.

What is it they say. The Nile (denial) is not only a river in Egypt. So corny yet so true.

When I first broke, I turned completely numb. Automatic defense mechanism. Good gosh, it’s a good thing for your body to be able to shut down in time of need. Frozen. The inability to absorb or participate in such a manner that even more things would come in, that would do nothing but utterly annihilate you. So for a period of time my life was cellophane wrapped. Like seeing everything through a glass. Impenetrable. Whatever was happening at the moment, with intermittent reels of past scenes in my life. Surreal I would call this period of my life. It was so intense that at one time someone close to me asked :” Why do you always look so lost?” Like I had just emerged from someplace far away and I was trying to get familiar to my surroundings.

I don’t like the word broken. In any affiliation. Less alone affiliated with us. Humans. We are beautiful and eternal and far more than just the physical existence we chose to be in. But there is no other word to describe what happened. I broke. Not apart. But open. I descended into a world so unknown to me yet it’s the most familiar place I have ever journeyed to. The place of myself. I like it so much there, that I have no inkling of rising up to the surface just to fight to stay afloat. When I can simply thrive in the depth of my own soul. In this place I understand everything and everyone on the level of what I am. It’s the loveliest thing to have happened.

I still see the surface of everything. The superficiality of our existence. The struggle for people to maintain the exterior of what they think they can hold onto. But I see it from the bottom now. Seeing their fears that drive them to behave the way they do. It’s a beautiful display of our humanity. I do come up to this exterior surface of my being to experience the connection of us all. To reach out to others and FEEL life. The knowing that I don’t have to bop along with the turmoil of what is happening allows me to remain centered in this infinite existence.