The distillation of me

I have changed. Seamlessly, mellifluously, overnight.

Of course it didn’t happen overnight. But things that you do not put effort into, things that come easily to you because they are on your wave length, things that are calling for you before you even know that you are calling for them, have a way of appearing to happen overnight.

I have changed. Not the way I did in my twenties, when I strode out into the world with the conscious force of building myself into something that was anything but what was modeled to me by my parents. The perpetual I am never going to whatever I thought I wasn’t going to repeat that my parents did. And in so doing, I drove myself into the same model of behavior, just appearing to be different on the outside. As my brother told me in my later twenties, I was still the same person, masquerading under the self-imposed effort to want to be something I am not.

I have changed. Not the way I did in my thirties, when I realized that life just sort of doesn’t follow my rules. It has a way of happening all on its own, the only choice to make is to figure out what I wanted to do with what was going on. Still stuck in between trying to force myself into a cocoon that I would never be able to emerge from and acknowledging the egg I was actually hatching from. In my desperate attempts to escape from what I didn’t want to claim, I managed to sell myself short at any available occasion. Here I thought I was making progress in "living the dream" and making my world a better place, while all I did was harming my essence. As my friend told me in my later thirties, I was still the same person, still doing the same old thing with the same old results.

I have changed. Now well into my forties, I have changed and didn’t even know it. Decades of running around proclaiming to be a changed person with not nary a change to show in my deep rooted dysfunctional approach on life. I have changed without making a claim to change. I realized it only now, when a couple of people with the same dysfunctional approach on life that I was so entangled in, created a situation for me to react to in the same old pattern. And I didn’t. I just watched as the spectacle unfolded itself in front of me, without any reaction, without any impulse, without any desire to be or take part of it.

attached quote by Matt Kahn http://truedivinenature.com