The big crossing

It’s been a challenge all my life to live my life as burden free as I can make it happen. Now, burdens are different things to different people obviously, but I am one of those who does not want to carry the burden of having harmed someone in any way with me.

“If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my confusions, I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way through their own confusions, I forgive them. For all the way that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.” ~ Buddha

I do still put forth every effort to not harm anyone or anything in my encounters. It’s not that big of an effort for me. But what I have learned about myself is this. Since I felt this way about myself, I was under the wrong impression that pretty much everyone struggles with this. Well, not the right out assholes we all encounter, you know. But others who seem to have a conscience. And here is what I had to take to heart. The hard way. SEEM to have a conscience. I can’t tell who how many times I was under the impression that someone would have trouble sleeping peacefully after how they treated me. And the many more times I was actually totally wrong about that. Hey, no problem here, I’ll just eat an extra cookie with my bedtime cookies and milk to shrug that guilt right off my non-existing conscience.

I would overextend myself to express my forgiveness in their trespassing with me. Not that they even cared to be forgiven because they saw absolutely nothing wrong with their behavior. I had to adopt a different operational mode to sustain my integrity and sanity and to keep true to myself and what I want to leave behind.

“Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” `Luke 23.34

Yes, that really actually took some effort to incorporate into my daily thinking. Allowing it to infuse into my interactions with everyone. I forgive you before I even meet you, and hopefully you will be able to do the same.

This has completely set me free from feeling obligated of helping anyone becoming a better version of themselves. Obviously they must not be quite ready to embrace a life style and develop a conscience that will keep them from repeating their same karmic patterns. It took me long enough to recognize that not only do my own actions influence any outcome, but also my allowing others to act they way they act. I no longer forgive people in that sense that they can remain in my life and continue their inconsiderate behavior (towards me). I forgive them and sent them on their merry way. I do not want to keep myself stuck in my own karmic pattern of inviting or allowing anyone into my life who has no purpose in it. Instead of being kind to unkind people, I have learned to be kind to myself and leave the unkind to their own kind.