Going Paperless

There’s a new employee at work. And as it so goes with people liking idle chit chat, she’s asking me this question and that question. Then she asks: " Are you married?”. My reply of :” No, I’m not, are you? ” was met with giggles. So I asked her if she wanted to be married. Come to find out that she plans on marrying someone she loves in a couple years. But out of all that nonsensical small talk came this. She started asking everyone walking by our work station if they were pro or con marriage.

It was interesting to watch. It actually tallied up that more people were against marriage. The eyebrow raising detail to that is that more of the married people were against marriage than the single or divorced ones. Which in itself speaks of course volumes. There was such an interesting reaction from people. Anything from “marriage is overrated” from a divorced male to “this is not a good time to ask” from a female going through a separation. Another married fellow said he is against marriage. I told the girl I could have told her that he would reply that way. She asked me how could I so easily predict someone’s answer. I said you only have to listen to people and you know things. He works and goes to school and all he wants is for her to cook him something to eat when he comes home because he is tired and she doesn’t do that. So of course he is not enjoying marriage right now. His expectations are not met. I said ask that guy over there and he will tell you he is for marriage. Which he did of course. She was still surprised. I told her that his expectations are met and when he talks about his personal life it always involves stories about his family. He appears to be happily married.

She proceeded to ask another married co-worker. I said you can’t ask her, she’s pregnant, so she is complacent right now. Of course her answer was pro marriage otherwise she said she would just be out there, unsettled and roaming. There were a couple of females on their second marriage who were against marriage which was also easily predictable. Neither of them got what they were looking for the second time around either. It was still a struggle for them to manage life and now they had the added “burden” of additional extended family and all the things that come with that. Another married girl said pro marriage only because of the tax benefits. So here’s one of the reasons why people make the choices they do. For financial and material comfort. Which we all know of course. We all know people who remain where they are, be it in relationship or elsewhere, for the financial benefit. Sacrificing other things in exchange for the illusion of financial stability.

The girl was surprised how many people were against marriage, she said her grandparents and parents were still married after decades of married life. I replied she shouldn’t go by others life experiences. It’s what they have gone through. It doesn’t mean that her life will play out the way someone else would predict it based on their own experience. People seem to not sustain a marriage or an extended relationship because it appears that they want the other party to fulfill a need only they themselves can fulfill. Which is being happy. In order to be happy, you have to get your own happiness. No one can get that for you. And then to top it off, not only do you have to manage your own happiness, you have to be able to allow the other party to get their own happiness too.

This is where most people fall apart. Because they thought that they sought the same sort of happiness and it turns out not to be true. So in going after what each is seeking to be happy, the marriage or relationship falls apart. Either a going of complete separate ways, or becoming so distanced within the marriage that it only holds up on paper.