Frozen

I recently chose to take on a different position with the same employer. Putting me under direct contact with a person who “strikes the fear” into people. He has a certain way about him that makes one feel like a two year old. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing one’s job or that sort of thing. Hell, if you can go past the fear he strikes in you, you really don’t give a sh%t if you loose your job.

I have been in my profession for almost twenty years. I have had so many jobs that I really don’t care to acquire one more under my work history. Point being, "street creds" come with that sort of work history. I’m confident in what I do, no matter my place of employment. I learn the way it is done at whatever place I am working. I have no problem with picking up a new routine or learning new skills. But because of being under direct contact with this person, I was totally stressed out [ I use the term under to emphasize that he "outranks" me within our chain of command/hierarchy at work]. Good gawd, I hadn’t been that stressed since being a novice in my profession. I had dreams about work every night and it definitely put a lid on my creative flow. It was so bad, that I had to debrief myself at our last Kaffeeklatsch. One of my Kaffeeklatsch compadres finally asked me: “Why do you stay there if it’s putting that sort of stress on you?”

Good question. Right off the bat, before agreeing to make the switch, I had the word from administration that I could switch back to my old job role if things didn’t work out with the new position. So why didn’t I simply back out instead of enduring the stress? I responded to my compadre with this:” Because I know I can learn something from this. I am definitely learning things about myself, but I also believe that this person can teach me some things, on more than one level.” What I meant by that, was that not only am I learning from a professional standpoint. I am much more so learning to master myself. Master my fears.

As I said, this person has a way of making one feel like a two year old. Anyone, including so-called higher ranking administrative personnel are made to feel that way. But more than that, this person’s way of making one feel like a two year old, elicited the same response my father did when I was a little girl. I am way beyond worrying about losing a job with all the turbulent employment changes in recent years. I will always find work somewhere. So this is definitely not the sort of fear I am talking about. He literally set me back to lifetimes ago when any time my father would glare at me with that certain look in his eyes, I would wet my pants, fear-struck, frozen into a pillar of salt like Lot’s wife. A daunting and traumatizing memory that has impacted me my entire adult life.

So here is the real answer to why I chose to stay there. I have mastered that fear. I can look this person square in the eye and respond in an adult manner now. It only took six weeks of entering the lion’s den and holding my hand out to overcome this crippling emotion that has overpowered me my whole adult life. Going through this experience that I chose provides my with the unshakeable confidence that there shall be not another person coming into my life whom I will hand over my power. It is a beautiful blessing I have sought for so long. I wish all of you to face whatever sets you back emotionally to a time and place, and most often also people, that do not exist anymore. Set yourselves free.