Not why but what do I make of it

I came across this blog today. The way I was reading it, it came across as a near rant. It was about grief and the so often empty attempt of outsiders by consoling the grief-er with these words that we all have heard, and I am sure, have uttered ourselves before.

Everything happens for a reason.

I couldn’t finish reading the whole thing, because it simply did not align with anything I have experienced in my life story. Yes, there were bits and pieces in there that were the truth. The author stated that things such as grief can not simply be written off. Grief has to be felt. I totally agree with that. Grief has to be felt down to the bone. It has to be wept out to exhaustion. It has to sicken you to the point of physical and emotional malnourishment. Like a body riddled with illness that is trying to sweat out the unwelcome invasion. After all, grief is birthed in the center of the biggest aching anyone can experience, the shattering of one’s own heart. It doesn’t matter the cause of that ache. Different events break different people while others walk away unscathed.

The writer went on how saying those simple words, everything happens for a reason, automatically imply that all events labeled negative by society will help one grow. Any failure, be it professional or personal, or any loss, be it material or human, causes one to overcome oneself and achieve wisdom of some sort IF we only believe that everything happens for a reason. Which is not necessarily true. The writer stated that events causing grief can and will make a person hard. Harder, sarcastic, disillusioned. But that is just one option. An option that indeed too many people choose for themselves. Continuing a pattern of non-acceptance of what is.

I have had my share of earth-shattering heartbreak. Out of the many, I will share this one. The unfortunate events during my son’s birth leading to his permanent physical disability. Not just a minor disfigurement. No, he will never live a life that is considered to be at its full potential if one goes by societal standards. Years of grieving over things that were never to come true. Again, I am sure any one of us have grieved over the loss of an un-lived future. I had days were I could do nothing but lay on the bottom of the riverbed of my tears. I know grief. I see it in people’s faces all around me.

So why didn’t I become hard. Harder, sarcastic and disillusioned. I did. For a long time. Life was merely making it through the day. Until I came across something that has yet to leave me. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. And in my suffering of grief, in suffering my grief, I made everyone else suffer. Once I recognized that, grief left me. Don’t get me wrong. I still experience the inevitable pain of life. Every day of living exposes me to pain. But when I encounter pain, I don’t question the why of it anymore. I don’t linger on in an un-lived if only reality. I now take any experience that inflicts pain and see what I can make of it. Not in that “there is a reason for everything” mentality sort of thing. No, no reason is a reason after all, too. I look at what I can create with what has been given to me. I don’t want to create any more misery or suffering or grief, so I choose to shape my experiences into a life that brings me joy.