Quality or Quantity..what is your desire

Many years ago I worked with this nurse, who had a different view on things as myself. We looked forward to working with each other since we provided ourselves with enough conversation to help us make it through the long nights. One of the things we talked about was quality of life. I said that as I get older, I would hope to always have my faculties intact, being aware of everything that is going on, no matter if I fell apart physically. He laughed at me and told me I had it all wrong. He said: ” Heike, you want to be pleasantly confused when your body falls apart. You don’t want to be aware that you soiled your pants. You want to be the one in the nursing home eating the toilet bowl drop in cleaner like it’s a piece of candy.”

I can tell you, for many years after that conversation, with everything that I have seen in my work and my personal life, taking care of people, I have swayed back and forth on it. But now, with certainty, I will tell you that I am sticking with my original viewpoint. I do want to be aware of everything, no matter what. I know it’s a bitch in so many ways. I live it daily. But I watch my ex-mother-in-law, who in her early stages of dementia has me looking at her with such a sense of strangeness.

She putters around all day. Without much sense or purpose. She is aware enough to make it through each day with minimal supervision at this point. But I seem to be confused with what the point is. I am speaking for myself here. I have no inkling to sway anyone here on their opinions of quality of life, their ethics or morals. For my own life here, I want my days to be filled with more than waking up, going through bodily functions, and going back to sleep. If it takes the assistance of others to get it accomplished, I would embrace the humility it takes in order for me to continue living instead of merely existing.

The thing that stands out the most here to me is that she has actually lived like this for a long, long time. Waking up, making it through the day, and going back to sleep. There was already a sense of disconnect and not veering from going through the motions of the day many years prior to her dementia becoming an issue. Yes, she has her sons helping her. I can’t speak on their behalf, but from the outside looking in, it’s that kind of help that comes from a sense of obligation and duty. Doing the right thing. Not because they have such a deep connection with her that it comes from the energy source of love to be there for her. I am sure everyone knows what I am talking about here. When you see someone being taken care of by love, it is such a beautiful thing to watch.

To me, that is the reason of being here. To experience as fully the life I have been given as I can. Every day. In every way. Not just counting the minutes, but making every minute count. Regardless of my physical abilities or lack thereof. I wouldn’t want to be so numb or so unaware of my surroundings that each day is going by as if life was not the miracle it is.

https://youtu.be/8kLBAWutvdw