Control

I still chuckle when I see it in others. And I see it a lot. I chuckle, not out of spite, but because I totally identify with it. Seeing myself in that particular behavior. Control. The illusion of. The incessant persistence that any one of us can truly control life. Ours and others. It begins with I and ends with want. Whatever falls after that, you already know is anything that you desire control of. Control of people’s behavior, control of a specific outcome. Control of changing what is really in front of you into something that is actually something that you want(ed).

I recognize it within myself by that simple “I want..” any time I utter it myself. When I tell my Jungle Boy that I want him to do or behave or not do or not behave, so I can control him, control the situation. That’s the easiest to understand. But there are still many other circumstances, where the “I want..” is stated covertly. First and foremost to myself. Those moments I do not want to admit that I can’t accept the reality of things in front of me and how I want them to be different. In the pointless attempt to control people, people’s behavior or the outcome of the situation. Only when I recognize that there is the hidden “I want..” , the desire to control, to make people or things be what I want them to be, am I able to chuckle at myself. Allowing myself to surrender to what is. Going back to appreciating how life unfolds itself just the way it is.

I know a slew of people who will argue the point about control. There’s spiritual teachings about control in reference to self-control and how to master oneself. There’s leadership classes on how to control employees or control a group. I know people who believe that they get what they want by asserting their control over others. Lacking the insight that they indeed did not get what they wanted, that they only succeeded in manipulating people into what they want them to be for the time being. Preferring the illusion of being in control.

I lived with that illusion for a long time. It made me miss out on what was in front of me the whole time. Irretrievably lost. I was not aware of how “controlling” I was by my want to be in control of my life. Of course, I still have to make certain decisions in my life that leave me in control of things. But those decisions now are based on what’s in front of me, not on what I want it to be and it involves taking into consideration how it impacts others, not just myself.