Heartbreak

I used to be able to withstand so much pressure. The weight of the world could not break this heart of mine. But then it finally happened. The first break was so severe, it crushed it. The way an eggshell cracks into pieces when stepped on.

The subsequent breaks after that were unfelt. Since it was already shattered to so many pieces, leaving it numb and still in shock, everything that stepped on it afterwards, had not much of a significant impact.

Then the restructuring began. There was not a lot of useable material left among the broken pieces. But there were some crucial ones that had to be picked back up. Becoming not only integrated, but the centerpiece of this softly beating heart.

Now it doesn't take anything. Papercuts will make it bleed. The weight of paperclips will crack it open. And for good reasons. There is no sense in allowing another complete obliteration of what I am made of. My heart immediately feels those slights taken at me. It's an instinctual way of self-preservation. Creating venting holes to relieve pressure and oozing out anything that is [self]destructive. Preventing the shattering it went through before.

I have always felt those slights. And warded them off. Piling them on higher and higher until there was no more I could possibly endure without breaking. The famous straw that broke the camel's back. It's a good thing to remember exactly what these slights feel like. Because instead of numbing myself against them, I have allowed myself to sensitize myself to them, so I can take the right measures for me to remain whole.

Afterall, it is me that is whole and it is the world that is segregated. It would tear me apart if I allowed it.