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Sometimes, she still crosses my mind. Out of the blue. There seems to be no particular correlation from what I was doing to the thought about her rising in the insanely crowded memories of my mind. It is a treasure trove of useless trivial pursuit bits, mindless memorizations from all my schooling and training and the deeply engraved encounters with particular people that are pushed back there somewhere. Time doesn't heal any wounds. Time allows us to accumulate more memories, knowledge, and nonsense to bury things. I have actively pursuit my healing. Whatever that means. It is a totally different experience for each individual, the same way wounding is a uniquely shaped experience. Neither science nor psychiatry have discovered determinate reasons as to why each individual organism responds to its environment in its own unique way. Shaping our stories as we interact with our world. Naturally it would be what is defined as ego, that tells the stories. Endless edited versions of one's life. As we progress through our life, having more experiences that influence us, we continually reshape our past experiences into something, that at one point or another allows us to justify our actions, downright to justifying our existence. I am not making excuses for unacceptable, inhumane behavior. Many situations are indeed inescapable. There are millions who endure atrocities and tragedies their entire life because there is simply no way away for them. Short-lived destructions of their existence. But indeed, the lucky ones who do not live in war torn territory or land plaqued by famine or idiotic dictators, do have such vast options of reshaping their life any time they choose to. Not desire to, but choose to. Making concrete choices, taking actions that mold their life into what they want out of it. I came across an article once that claimed that we can become happy(?) by looking at our past experiences with gratitude. As in "because such and such happened", I was able to "to be this or do that" despite it being a horrifically traumatic experience. Especially anything in childhood when we do not have any coping skills to rationalize what is happening. I am not knocking the concept one hundred percent. There is a way we can spin anything into something to be grateful for. But I can tell you from personal experience that no amount of gratitude takes away the shock to my organism, no matter how long ago it happened. No amount of healing eradicates the history of my experiences. Things happened as they did. And that's that. In moving forward I can redirect myself into experiences that are much easier on me. Yet unavoidable things will happen that I have to adapt to in any way I choose. I personally do not see the purpose of suffering. 

To quote Eckhart Tolle: "True freedom and the end of suffering is living in such a way as if you had completely chosen whatever you feel or experience at this moment. This inner alignment with Now is the end of suffering. Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no. If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion. You would not be reading this now. Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and then comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary." 

When I am aware that whatever I am experiencing is life as it is, not how I want it to be, I am able to make conscious decisions that will either (continue to) feed my ego or move me into the direction of my highest best interest. There is an intrinsic knowing inside of us that deciphers our environment and interprets it to let us know if we are in our personal goldilock zone. The "just right for me" situations, relations and lifestyle. We learn early on to suppress that natural barometer and tolerate rather unbearable circumstances for ego's sake. Here's the thing though. Ego is finite. Don't be fooled. All the stories you have ever told yourself, all the stories you have ever believed, will come to an end. I seriously doubt that there is anyone who completely transcends their ego. That would be (near) equivalent to transcending one's body. We didn't incarnate for that. Death serves that purpose. No one knows what there is after death. We can each choose to believe what we think it is. But regardless of what we choose to believe about life after death, for me there is simply no valid explanation for suffering. 

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a beautiful milieu 

Image Lauréat ILFORD International 

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