Untitled

On some days I still wonder which one of us insisted. If it was me or him who would choose this. And what would the debt or bargain be for the other to agree to go through with it? I don’t “know” from a concrete memory. Besides having fallen unconscious during the process and remaining only semi-conscious for a couple of days afterwards once I regained consciousness, I had also received an unwarranted amount of drugs for my mind to retain things that happened during the event that nearly killed my son. As I was giving birth to him, with every inch closer to the birth canal, the entrance way to this life, he was coming closer and closer to death. He was lifeless when he finally left my body. The visual memory of him being lifted away by a stranger’s hands has never left me. I attempted to rise up from the bed, but instead I fell unconscious. Our common meeting ground, his and mine, before we would eventually (re)unite here, in this realm. Our mutual unconsciousness, the place in-between, must have been our first meeting ground for our time here on earth. I don’t know which one of us insisted to go through with it. After all, here was our chance to get out of whatever bound us. I won’t find out until after my death, but I would want to kick myself if I was the one who insisted on forcing fate. Not that there really is such a thing as forcing fate in this world. What is, will be, after all, but it may apply in the in-between. They say life is a school for the soul. I question the stark contrast of the value of the things I have learned in comparison to the sacrifice he makes. I would think there would be other ways to become enlightened. And whatever we agreed on in the in-between of our unconsciousness, no matter who insisted on going through with it, I wonder how much we considered the impact this would have on everyone. His siblings and father foremost, the way it would shape their world. I doubt either of us fully comprehended the larger fallout of our insistence. Maybe we were prepared for the consequences affecting us, but surely we could not foresee how the consequences would affect everyone and everything else. If there is such a thing as the love of my life, he certainly is that. Which makes it even more baffling that we would insist on going through with it. I don’t wish suffering on anyone, let alone on someone whom I would give my life for. Of course suffering is a matter of opinion. And certainly we are accommodating his needs not only to the best of our abilities, but to such a degree that he lives a joyful life. But on some days I do wonder which one of us insisted. To go through with it when we had a way out. ~•~ a beautiful milieu Art Heike K